Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
