the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize