He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
