In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
