Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
