she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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