How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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