I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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