We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
