she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
