38 yer olds are good kisserssss
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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