His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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