I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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