i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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