Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
