As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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