i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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