I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
