you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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