Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize