We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
