the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
