i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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