so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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