he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We're too hungover to prance.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
