My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
