my mouth tastes like poor choices
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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