I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
