if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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