if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
