cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
ok first of all what the fuck
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
