Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
