I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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