When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
