i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
