You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
