Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
