I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
