any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
