Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
