Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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