I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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