but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
