He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
