My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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