my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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