You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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