Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
