She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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