you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
