I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
