i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
