Your mouth is God's brothel.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
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