If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
