So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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