You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
