im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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