I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
