I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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