Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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