Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
