atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
