Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
